me any whiffleberry jelly since she died. (sob-sob)
CRAB #1: Don't cry. Here, take my hanky. At least your mother tried to understand you when she was alive. My mother warped my whole life because she ignored me most of the time. I might as well have been an orphan for all the sympathy I got from her. Having a mother who's dead is not as lonely as never really ever having had a Mama at all.
CRAB #2: (deeply sympathetic) It must be an empty feeling.
CRAB #1: Do you know she never kissed me goodnight until after she tucked in my baby sister? And once she even stole the dollar the Good Tooth Fairy left under my pillow to pay the laundry man for her dirty diapers. You may not believe that, but it's true. (sob-sob)
CRAB #2: How dreadful! Don't cry. Here, do you want your hanky back?
CRAB #1: No, thanks. You keep it. I'm sorry I broke down. Anyway, we were talking about you, not me. You're certainly old enough, if you don't mind my saying so, to begin to learn that the best way to get love is to give love.
CRAB #2: Okay, okay. But even if I do learn how to get people to love me, what good will that do when the whole world is headed for a financial collapse? Probably my bank will be the first one to close, and I'll lose all my money and stocks and end up a pauper.
Note to reader: Should Crab #2 be female, change the foregoing to: "Harry and I will lose our house and all our savings, he'll probably lose his job, and we'll have to wander around barefoot and homeless or go on public welfare and food stamps, which would HUMILIATE me. I'd rather be dead."
CRAB #1: You're not going to end up a pauper (or wander around homeless) because you have two separate savings accounts, those twelve bags of gold nuggets you buried under the garage, plus your bank account in Switzerland, not to mention the three apartment houses you own. Most people would consider you wealthy and secure.
CRAB #2: Most people don't realize that money can be here today and gone tomorrow. What if someone finds out where I buried those gold nuggets?
CRAB #1: You should worry! I'm going to lose my business because I can't refinance my loan. My banker hates me. I just know he hates me. All my kids need braces and I had to cancel my vacation to Nova Scotia this summer. I'm the one on the point of starvation, not you.
CRAB #2: Selfish, selfish - that's what you are, selfish! You don't care at all for my problems, just your own. We try to economize here by using margarine, but you still use butter. So who's worse off, you or me - I ask you?
CRAB #1: Don't snap at me. I'll snap right back. And we do NOT use butter at our house. We use margarine like you, so there!
CRAB #2: Butter!
CRAB #1: Margarine!
CRAB #2: Butter, butter, butter!
CRAB #1: STOP THAT! In the first place, it's none of your business what we spread on our bread. That's my business.
CRAB #2: See! You're neurotically secretive. Always afraid people are prying. You should learn to be more direct and out-in-the-open, like me.
CRAB #1: Out-in-the-open? You? HA! That's a howl. You're so secretive you won't even answer a civil question. Everyone knows you're paranoid. It makes people nervous to be around you.
CRAB #2: Oh! (sob-sob) I told you everyone hates me. Now you finally admit it yourself. And you pretended you were my friend. (sob-sob)
CRAB #1: I am your friend. Will you please blow your nose and stop that sniffling? You're not paranoid. I just said that to snap at you because you snapped at me. People do love you. I even like you myself, most of the time. Do you know why people like you so much?
CRAB #2: Why? (from inside the clothes closet, weeping) Why? CRAB #1: Because you're so lovable. Not only that, you're talented, and that makes everyone respect you. People like you because you tell funny jokes, your home is always cozy and warm, you make great chicken soup and you loan people pennies from your piggy bank when they're broke. See how nice you are? You're rich and good-looking and smart and popularů
CRAB #2: Am I really? Would you really call me popular?